Resolution 2006: Overcoming addictions and fears (again).

I've been a nailbiter my whole life, in just about every sense of the word. A worrier, a nervous kid, a tension internalizer, and of course, one who bites her nails. This year, like every year, I came up with a slew of resolutions to become a better person. "This year, I will eat better, work harder, love better, worry less, forgive more easily, exercise more, start doing yoga, stop biting my nails, read more good books, watch less tv, swear less, walk more, buy organic, downsize my material possessions, keep my bedroom clean, save money, stop grinding my teeth..." and so on and so forth.

Here, we are almost 2 months into the new year and believe it or not, I've actually completed one of my resolutions. I would call it a Christmas miracle, except that it's 6 weeks too late. I have stopped biting my nails. :) This may not sound like much to those who are not nailbiters (in any sense). Considering the habit has been with me for over 20 years, it's quite a feat for me.

In fact, I've made a lot of changes lately... and the inspiration came from an unlikely source..McDonald's. It all started about 14 months ago when I read the book Fast Food Nation. I was so disgusted by the truth behind American fast food that I decided that my 2005 resolution would be to not eat at any fast food restaurants for one year. Then I realized that resolutions need to be realistic to be do-able. So, I added an amendment. I would not eat at any of the big name fast food restaurants. I couldn't decide whether my decision was political and social, or simply health-driven. But, it was my new resolution. This proved harder at first than I thought. The weekly lunch with my co-workers became a problem almost immediately. They wanted Jack-in-the-Box, which we often used to get. But, I stuck it out. I did not eat at McDonald's, Wendy's, KFC, Burger King, Del Taco, El Pollo Loco, Jack-in-the-Box, Subway, or Taco Bell for the whole year. I actually did it. The whole year! The first resolution that I've ever completed in my whole life.

So, I was given the courage to take on a new resolution (or 2) for 2006. I listed a few of the possible candidates above. In the end, I resolved to work on two things: my exercise level and my nailbiting. It's not the first time that I've taken on these tasks. But, it is the first time that I've approached a resolution fresh from actually completing one. One of my closest friends, Lyndsay came to visit and said that she wanted to get manicures. In December, I looked at my chewed off nubs of finger nails and thought "Lyndsay will waste her money if I don't stop this habit." So, I worked on it when I was paying attention and my boyrfriend Steve worked on it when I wasn't paying attention. I realized shortly that the nailbiting was the symptom, not the problem. I am an anxious person. Nailbiting is a symptom of a deeper issue. I did manage to stop biting and by the time that Lyndsay arrived this month, I was able to get that manicure. :) I am truly proud of overcoming this addiction. Unfortunately, my body re-channeled that stress. In stopping nailbiting, my sleeptime toothgrinding kicked into high gear.

Steve has mentioned on several occaisions that I grind my teeth in my sleep. I've never been aware of it, but I know it happens. I can feel my teeth being worn away slowly. I've had to have bonding added to my front teeth many times over the years. I've never been able to wear protection on my teeth at night because the available guards to buy are too big for my mouth. I gag on them. And, the special dentist-made ones require the formation of an impression, which requires the completion of a process of which I'm afraid because of my gagging. I've always had an excuse not to get a night-guard, as a result. Since I stopped biting my nails, that tension turned into overtime toothgrinding. On Steve and my 3rd anniversary (dating), I broke a tooth at dinner...eating calimari. Nature's softest food! I realized then that I had to suck it up and get that stupid mouth guard.

I went to the dentist last week. I was feeling the same fear of the dentist that I used to feel as a child. The front desk lady, Della, who is very nice said "You should get a nightguard made." Then, the dental assistant said, "You should really consider a nightguard." Then, my dentist came in and said "Hmm..your teeth look ground down. Have we ever talked about a nightguard?" The truth was we had. I just chickened out when I was supposed to return and have the impression made. It's supposed to be awful if you have a gagging problem. I finally agreed to get the damn thing. It's 500 bucks, though! But, I was far more worried about that impression than about the money, which I really can't afford. As I went to settle things at the front desk, Della reminded me that I really ought to get a nightguard. Rolling my eyes and sighing, I said "Fine. When can I come in for the impression?" Expecting to have at least a week or two to prepare for the ordeal. "Right now. Go back to the chair," she said. Panic swelled up inside me and settled right at the top of my throat. "---" I said. Then, I cleared my throat and actually was able to make a sound. "Now?" I squeaked. Remembering my anxiety training, I confidently said "Yes! That sounds great!" After Della's hair settled back down from the wind of my exuberant acceptance, she smiled awkwardly, and led me back to the chair. It really wasn't that bad. I didn't even gag once. I left feeling like I had accomplished something major. I've stop biting my nails, I've arranged to stop grinding my teeth, and most importantly, I was terrified to get that impression made but I did it anyway. I learned something very important from this great anxiety book I read recently. It's not about not being afraid...it's about doing it anyway.